Dear My Dear Robyn

Still I can't erase memories with my baby Robyn from my mind. I hope for something that can ease my sadnesss of the huge losing, but long rememberance of her. Although it is a heartbreaking when look around a house, every space and corner is all Robyn.
And though I cry when look at all of her pictures, still I feel she would be happy and honoured if put up her pictures in my blog. At least it shows how loads she means to me. I just can't help it.

Here are some of her pictures when she was small, I think when she was 2 months or so....
These pictures taken after fetching her from De Ritz Hotel, a pet's lodging at Ikano, when I just arrived from London January this year. It was a couple of weeks being away from her, after about a few weeks adopting her.
And the memories remain...

Uuh., I try to understand what are they babbling about.....

What again mommy..?? This is my first lesson watching movie on a notebook...kindda interesting....

OohhUuhh... I've been caught on a camera!

Now lemme take your picture!

Horrific Long Goodbyes: My Baby Robyn

Today would be the most awful and saddest day to me, as I started my day just to find my Robyn dead by falling off from the balcony! I would never forgive myself of letting this tragedy happened no matter how watchful neither me nor Robyn been all these days. This really tragic!

I watched a football match between my favourite team (Germany) and Austria (Euro 2008)early this morning and letting the sliding door opened. And as usual my baby is always with me around, lighten up my world with her cutest acts and her joyful jokes like a little kid, so very tender of her. And the lastest I with her was after a second half of the match when she off to her favourite sleeping spot. She slept there and once in a while halfly opened her eyes as she peeped on us. And the match ended at about 5 a.m, with Germany won to qualify to the next round. Unbearably opened my eyes and I passed out and sleep in front of the TV.

I woke up at about 6:30am as usual have my shower to get ready to work. Yes I realised Robyn was not around helping me getting ready to work, as usual she does. But I didn't think off anything bad yet. Untill I fill her food, that I just noticed the unusual act , the quiet moment in my heart. I started calling her out and looking up for her at every her favourite spot. No replies and still quiet. Immediately I rushed to the balcony and looking down, that was the dreadfully horrific moment like my world is getting black and gone to see my baby laying down at the 4th floor (the roof) with a pool of blood around her head.... My world is gone as I was flying off blankly and my tears running down terribly.... you know how does it feel if you lose your own child, that is what I felt....

I am heartbreakingly crying right now as I type this..... my baby Robyn will never be back to me or to alive again. I was crying out loud and never feel ashame to cry out my heart as I see my baby Robyn from the balcony at the 20th floor, down there she was not moving anymore... Sorry I just can't type anything more to just get the picture how scared she was when falling from the 20th floor, and how devastatingly she wanted to get up back to the balcony to not falling down to the ground.....



I have to take a day off and will bury her body at my fiancee's home yard later this evening.



May she rest peacefully 'there' and never will she forget about me and anyone who loved her so very much and treated her like their own child. She is only a good kid to me, healthy, smart playful and full of joy. I will miss her all of my life!

She has been in my life since December last year. And will be always in my life in another form of connection.

Farewell Long Goodbyes Cik Kitty@Tobby

Just in another split seconds of sadden moment after losing Ontot, same tragic moment peeped on my window of life again. Dreadfully losing makes it hard for me to take to believe it.. After losing Ontot few days ago, my 2 weeks owned Cik Kitty@Tobby leaving me in tears to rest in peace.. sad..sad...sad...

As usually I woke up in the morning and first thing I did since Cik Kitty living with me was boiled the water for Cik Kitty's milk. And clean up Robyn's litter box, refill her food and fresh water, making milk for Cik Kitty and then just I will go have shower and getting myself ready for work.
Like usual, this morning when I am done with my shower, Robyn and I get into my room to meet to hug Cik Kitty. This is the awaiting moment for Robyn to meet with Cik Kitty. ( I've saperated Cik Kitty's bed from Robyn because he is too small, to get very much together or sleep with Robyn or she will bully Cik Kitty oh so dearly)..

This morning (Friday 28 March 2008), when I entered into the room, there was no sound of Cik Kitty like he typically meowing when he sees anyone. And he was just laying in his box although Robyn scratching asked him to get up, he had no respond for that.. I just ignore that weird habit for thinking he just needs more sleep. When I am done dressed up, still they both not into the usually act of fighting and playing.. And this time I get a little worry, not even hunched of anything, I took a look he is still keep diam, not moving at all..

I took him out an and the sadness started when I put Cik Kitty on my palm just to see him opened his mouth but with no sound, and painfully shuddered back his head once in a while. This really a heartbreaking moment for me. He respons sometimes when Robyn licks his head and legs. I feed him a drop or two of milk to ease his throat, at least. But nothing promising to tell me Cik Kitty is ok.. Now the bad feeling is coming to tell me he is not going to be ok.. I managed to grab my camera and snap some pics of him (just in case I got no chance to see him again..sad..sad..sad..) and film that unbearable hurting moment... aarghhh ., it is just painful but I would like to put it up here as an honour for him, and the short moment I had with him..

I was in a mid of thinking to bring him to the VET on a way to work, when my collegue called and tell we are going to have an urgent meeting in about less than an hour. Darn! Clueless! I just told my colegue that Cik Kitty is not well and I will be late for a meeting, and she was like, "what? semalam baru lepas main dengan dia before we off from the office? what happened?" at that point I just vaguely saying I have no idea at all.
Now I really need to rush to work and bring him to the VET after the meeting. It is going to be late for Cik Kitty but thats the bestest I can do at this hectic point.

I reached at work when the meeting is already started. I securely put Cik Kitty near the window and open a little bit of the window to give some air and sun shine for him. This time he was still weak but tried to meow like trying to tell something but he was sooo hopelessly open up his mouth... arghh..so upsetting.... I can't wait and rushed to a meeting room..,at this panicking situation I was so lost and got into different meeting room for twice..!! dammit..macamane boleh salah bilik ni!

I can hardly concentrate on a meeting. What was on earth that ugly old lady keeps babling about??? Is she going mad or what? Now my mind is just running over Cik Kitty. I just wished the meeting is over immediately.

The meeting is over and I rushed upstairs to my room to quickly check on Cik Kitty. And my other collegue asked what went wrong with my little Tobby (Cik Kitty), that I can't answer.
It is also an absolute heartbreaking moment for my collegues to see Cik Kitty so weak and painful. They are so used to have Cik Kitty aound in the office at my room, playing and meowing asked for his milk. It is kindda unbeliveable when they look at Cik Kitty helplessly laying unmoving, mute and weak. We never know what went wrong to him, when just yesterday he was so joyful and cheerful playing around in our office and they got to play with him before going off. I still remember for the first time yesterday one of my colleagues hug Cik Kitty and put him at my desk just for him pee on it.. They were so sad, terribly sad..

And at home yesterday night, Cik Kitty was ok like usual and playing with Robyn while I watch TV, and I remember the last time I feed him, the real feeding was last night when American Idol was playing on TV, and I sent him to bed after that. He was ok still at that moment. That's really a heartbreaking to remember back again the moment like that.

Will continue more about him in another posting...... Rinduuuu sangat dia...

Dearly Ontot.,Farewell.,Long GoodByes..

March 24 2008, Monday... I got to the office early today, at 8:15AM.. After get things done, from login to Workmate to settle 'Si Kenit' in its secret place and make my own coffe.
Suddenly I remember about my darling Ontot. The weird feeling came inside me, never have this kind of feeling., felt so missing about Ontot ever since last Saturday. "weird feeling"..
Well thinking about Ontot and it is my unofficial routine to feed the cats around this office, especially Ontot. and I could say all these cats are belong to this place and no such as stray cats for them. For how many generation of them has resided here including Ontot. There is a special story about Ontot, will let you know bout it later. So this morning I went down in intention to feed Ontot and others. But only Syibu Kelabu was there. Where are others? Where is Ontot? But never mind Syibu Kelabu (I said),just eat your breakfast, I want to go find Ontot. This is much bizzare when she can't smell of me from far like she usually does, and she is always the first to wait for me for food or anything.

Tired of calling Ontot and looking around for her, I let Syibu Kelabu finish her breakfast and I wanted to go upstairs to my office. That is when my heart stopped for seconds when the security guard telling me Ontot found dead upstairs, in front of the door of my office where she used to wait for me or peep on me. She could see me and steal a look through the glass door if I go in and out of my room.
Ohh., I just devastatingly couldn't say of anything when hear this bitter sad., sad news about my dear Ontot. Obviously people know how close I am with all these cats particularly with Ontot. People knows how smart and friendly Ontot was to everyone who passes her by, and everyone in the office knows how close Ontot and me like we belong to each other.

I look after her since she was small, when I found her so scrawny, half dead and so weak laying at the edge of the stairs in my office, just an inch of her body to fall down off the stairs.. Too pity to look at her like that, I took her and my first feed her was a slice of Gardenia Peach and Raisin loaf, and that was when I started being her parent... since then..
But today is like disaster to know Ontot is dead and gone FOREVER and I will never see her again!! :{ I just can hardly to believe it... Arrghhhh.. SADNESS..SADNESS....SADNESS...

I don't know how am I going to handle it, coming to the office and see Ontot is not here anymore, facing the fact that I can't intermingle with her again..That is the hardest part right now for me to take... Ouuuhhh!!
Last Friday, actually was the last time and the longest goodbye me and Ontot.. Last Friday when I went down to feed her and others, it was sad to see her distortedly losing balance walking towards me., and just I found her one back leg is swollen..

She even didn't allow me to touch her leg and made me worry to think what had happened to her? My collegue said it is normal if one cat tergeliat or something and they will heal naturally.. it made me wonder actually... would it be healed by itself?
And you know what., I was thinking to bring her to the VET after office but what happened after office that Friday?
It was pouring rain, heavy raining and 'Si Kenit' buat hal., cried out loud and couldn't stay put inside his box., that is one thing., and the other was, my fiance already planned out to go to the fishing pond to fish prawns and lobster.. And when it comes about pancing udang, usually there is no compromise, so I definitely know he will never tolerate with me if it comes about pancing udang or we will be talking in silence for few days... So... I just had to forget about bring Ontot to the Vet.. (and now I feel so guilty to myself for that)... forgive me Ontot.... :(

And I just realized how mengada-ngada she was with me., asking me to bring her inside my room, and I did a few time, after office hour if I stayed back and when everyone has gone back. Definitely it would be hard to erase the memory with her...and will definitely forever with me...
Adduuhhhhh.... how can this happen to me??.. Losing ones we love is not an easy to tolerate with..
Just hope I could meet her in any form of meeting, even if it could be only in my mind's eye because right now I am dreadfully missing Ontot...